Tag Archives: Relationship

Is It Love or a Trauma Bond? When Loving a Bad Boy Isn’t Love at All

Posted on by under Culture

AI – Generated Image

There’s something intoxicating about the bad boy. The aloofness. The danger. The emotional rollercoaster. The sweet highs followed by gut-wrenching lows. For many, the pull feels undeniable—inescapable, even. But here’s the truth: what we often mistake for love may actually be trauma.

So how do you know the difference between a genuine soul connection and a trauma bond dressed up in romance?

Let’s go deeper.

🧠 When Love Mirrors Old Wounds

A trauma bond forms when we become emotionally attached to someone who repeatedly hurts us. It’s the emotional equivalent of an addiction: a cycle of pain followed by intermittent reward that keeps us hooked. You may feel unable to leave, despite knowing the relationship is harming you.

This cycle is especially common in relationships where one partner is emotionally unavailable, abusive, or dismissive—and the other is stuck trying to earn love that should be freely given.

It’s not love—it’s survival.

And survival patterns are often rooted in our earliest relationships—especially with our parents.

👨‍👧 Daddy Issues, Mother Wounds & Repeating the Past

Many women who chase unavailable or abusive men are replaying unresolved pain from childhood:

A father who left, abandoned, or emotionally neglected them—instilling the belief that love must be chased, earned, or proven. A mother who was critical, absent, or hurt herself—leaving emotional scars and shaping one’s view of worthiness in love. A home environment where love was conditional, chaotic, or abusive—making dysfunction feel familiar, even safe.

We’re not consciously choosing to relive our trauma. But our nervous systems crave what they know—even if it hurts.

🌌 The Spiritual Truth: You Attract What You Are

It’s often said: We don’t attract what we want. We attract what we are. Your vibration—your beliefs, your wounds, your energy—draws in relationships that match your inner state. If your inner world is filled with abandonment wounds, low self-worth, or chaos, you may subconsciously attract partners who reflect those wounds back to you.

That doesn’t mean you’re to blame. It means your energy is calling in mirrors—not because you deserve pain, but because your soul is seeking healing.

Spiritually, toxic relationships can serve as teachers—illuminating what still needs to be healed.

🚨 6 Signs It’s a Trauma Bond, Not Love

1. You feel addicted to the relationship, even when it hurts.

2. You justify or downplay abuse or disrespect.

3. You feel anxious, not safe, around your partner.

4. You’ve lost yourself trying to please or “fix” them.

5. They give you crumbs, and you treat them like a feast.

6. You’ve mistaken chaos for passion—because calm feels boring or “off.”

🛤️ Healing the Pattern: How to Break Free & Attract Healthy Love

Acknowledge the Pattern. Recognize that what you’re experiencing isn’t healthy love. Naming the cycle is the first step to breaking it.

Do the Inner Work Therapy, inner child healing, shadow work, and journaling help uncover the core wounds driving your attraction to pain.

Cut Energetic Cords. Practice spiritual cord-cutting rituals to release unhealthy attachments. Cleanse your energy regularly to reset your vibration. Read my upcoming blog posts thus week on cutting energetic cords and protecting your energy. I also have a YouTube video on that.

Reparent Yourself. Give yourself the safety, love, and validation your parents didn’t provide. You become your own source.

Raise Your Vibration. Do this through cultivating self-love, gratitude, meditation, and joy. Mirror work is a great way to do this. Stand in front of the mirror and speak good things about yourself to your reflection. Do this for a few minutes daily to reprogram your subconscious mind. You begin to attract from a place of worth, not woundedness.

Redefine Love. Love is not supposed to hurt, confuse, or deplete you. Real love is safe, consistent, reciprocal, and kind. Believe you deserve a love that you do not have to work hard or diminish yourself to earn.

💗 Final Words: You Deserve the Love You Give

The truth is, love doesn’t look like begging, suffering, or waiting for someone to change.

If you were taught that love means sacrifice, pain, or chasing someone who keeps slipping away, it’s time to rewrite the story.

You are worthy of love that feels like peace, not pain.

Healing your patterns means you no longer accept less than you deserve. You stop dancing with emotionally unavailable partners and start making room for those who meet you in your fullness.

Because when you love yourself deeply, you raise your standards—and your vibration will only attract what honors that.

When the Game Ends — The Player, the Married Woman, and the Pull of the Unavailable

Posted on by under Culture

By Nomathemba Pearl Dzinotyiwei

AI – Generated Image

He was the kind of man mothers warned their daughters about.

Wealthy. Charming. Impeccably dressed and emotionally unavailable. His life was a curated collection of conquests—women drawn in by his confidence, seduced by the security he offered, and forgotten before dawn. Relationships were distractions. Commitment was a trap. Love? A game he played to win, not to keep.

Then he met her.

She wasn’t flirting. She wasn’t free.

In fact, she was everything he usually avoided: emotionally complicated and married.

But she was also breathtaking in a quiet, haunting way—elegant in her restraint, compelling in her sorrow. She didn’t chase attention. She didn’t need his money. And when she smiled, it never reached her eyes.

He noticed her before she noticed him. And by the time their conversations grew from polite exchanges to lingering glances and stolen confidences, he was already too deep.

He’d played many games, but this time—he was losing.

The Irresistible Allure of the Unavailable Woman

For the seasoned player, attraction often hinges on novelty, control, and the thrill of the chase. But an unavailable woman, especially one in a marriage, offers a different kind of high. It’s not about the conquest anymore—it’s about the connection. It’s about why he wants her, not just how he’ll get her.

So what changes when she is different?

1. She Doesn’t Need Him—And That’s Magnetic

Most of his flings began with admiration. But she didn’t seem impressed. Not by his car, his watch, or his name. Her emotional world was rich—complex with pain, tethered by duty. She belonged to someone else, but she wasn’t fulfilled. She was surviving, not living.

Her indifference humbled him.

For the first time, a woman wasn’t a mirror to his ego—but a reminder of his emptiness.

2. She’s Real. Raw. Wounded.

Her honesty pierced him. She spoke of her husband’s anger, the loneliness in her bed, the way she’d withered into someone she barely recognized. Yet, she stayed. Out of loyalty. Out of fear. Out of hope that he might change.

She wasn’t pretending. She wasn’t perfect. She was human.

And her pain awakened something inside him that no pleasure ever had: compassion.

3. He Sees the Man He Could Be, Not Just the One He’s Been

Players build walls. It’s how they protect themselves from vulnerability. But with her, the walls cracked. He began to reflect—on his choices, on his reputation, on the hollowness behind the luxury. For the first time, he wanted to offer something more than pleasure.

He wanted to be safe. Reliable. Enough.

Not because she asked. But because she deserved it.

4. The Emotional Stakes Are Higher

When a woman is unavailable, especially emotionally, every moment counts. Every glance becomes sacred. Every brush of the hand carries meaning. It’s intimacy on the edge of a cliff—one wrong move, and it all disappears.

This intensity draws him in. Not to play—but to feel. Deeply.

When the Player Hangs Up His Boots

He doesn’t chase her for sport. He waits. He listens. He learns. For the first time, he understands that love is not about possession—it’s about presence.

Whether she ever leaves her marriage or not becomes secondary. What matters more is who he becomes in the process: a man capable of real love. A man transformed by the courage of a woman who, despite her own brokenness, taught him what it means to be whole.

Final Thoughts

Not every love story ends in union. But some encounters change us forever.

For the man who thought he’d seen it all, it took meeting a woman he could never truly have to realize what he truly wanted: something real. Something deep. Something worth giving up the game for.

Not because she belonged to someone else.

But because, for the first time, he wanted to belong to himself.

Sometimes the greatest lesson love teaches us is not how to win someone over—but how to be worthy of the love we’ve never earned before.

To explore this story further, read Forbidden Games, the latest novel by Pearl Deyi. Now available on Amazon.

https://www.amazon.com/Forbidden-Games-Pearl-Deyi-ebook/dp/B0FFQNMKNW

Forbidden Games

Posted on by under Culture

From the moment billionaire Alexander Martin spotted her across the quiet bookstore, he had to have her. Professional, calm, composed in her tailored suit and button-down blouse, Lindelwe Rantao was the last woman he would have pursued, married, loyal, off-limits. But he hadn’t built an empire by obeying limits.

What began as a game of pursuit, a challenge to shake her world, quickly unraveled into something far more dangerous. Lindi wasn’t just trapped in a loveless marriage; she was surviving a life that threatened to swallow her whole. And Alex’s desire to possess her shifted into a relentless need to protect her.

But love comes at a price. For her freedom. For his soul. And for secrets that could destroy them both.

Because falling for a married woman is reckless.
Falling for one with a jealous, abusive husband?
That’s war.

Read a sample and get your copy now on Amazon here.

Book Review: A Family Affair By Sue Nyathi

Posted on by under Culture

By Nomathemba Pearl Dzinotyiwei

I’ve been saving Sue’s latest novel for a time when I have time to read uninterrupted. The wait was well worth it. There is always a temptation to retell the story when you enjoy it so much. This family saga set in Bulawayo has all the elements of a bestseller. It’s good to finally read a family saga in the tradition of Barbara Taylor Bradford in an African setting. Having lived in Harare and visited Bulawayo it brought back memories of growing in Zimbabwe before the economic collapse.

Sue’s characters and settings are completely relatable. We all have the black sheep sibling, the meddling aunt, the feckless uncle and delinquent teenage and religious fundamentalists to keep everyone in line. Sue manages to convey the pathos and despair of sexual and physical abuse, dire financial straits and the choices people make in desperation to survive and hold onto the people they love while weaving all of it into a great story.

She deftly portrays contemporary social issues such as the modern mega churches where people turn to faith in God to ease the pain and despair and find solutions for issues in their lives. Conservative views about women, their sexuality and relationship choices are also a key theme as the family grapples with the issue of unwed motherhood, separation and divorce in the lives of their three daughters. A man’s sexual sins are not judged with the same severity. Interestingly it’s the women who are more vocal and judgmental about what constitutes appropriate behaviour.

I enjoyed every page. I would recommend you read this and her other books Polygamy and Gold Diggers.

Sis! You Had One Job.

Posted on by under Culture
Picture courtesy of Pexels.com

‘Tell me about yourself’, The stranger says
Looking deep into my eyes
Potential lover?
Looks like husband material too,
At 2 metres plus.
‘What do you want to know?
The truth is the wrong answer will end the conversation
Just like that.

‘Tell me something. Anything! I want to get to know you.’
What he really wants to know is…
Am I just a pretty face?
Am I smarter than him?
Am I fun to be with?
What’s my body count?
If he turns on the charm, will I have sex with him?
On the first date?

‘Think carefully.
Watch your words,
Don’t give away too much,
But keep it interesting.’
That’s my social self talking.
Relentless cynic, inner critic
The ego that must always shine.

‘The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. Say:’
‘I love to cook. What’s your favourite food?’
‘I exercise everyday. Keeping fit & healthy is important to me.’
Well it’s true. No more lockdown love handles.
My jeans fit perfectly, no muffin top.
If he’s a gym freak that should do it.
A quick Google search for Lewis Hamilton’s stats
Or the World Golf Rankings. He looks like the classy expensive type. I could just say. ‘I enjoy watching action movies.’
Netflix and chill is my vibe.
What man can resist that?

Instead, my essential self says
‘I am a spark of the Divine
My eyes shine with the light of a thousand moons
In my DNA hides the wisdom of the ages
I am creatively inspired
My love is infinite
Dive into the deep waters of my soul
If you dare.
An oyster carrying a rare and precious pearl
Is what you will find there.’

‘Uh! Oh. That’s really great.’ He checks his phone. ‘It’s been great chatting. I’m really sorry….’ I hear the ‘but’, seconds before it comes. ‘I’ll call you.’ ‘Ok. cool.’ I sip my coffee and wave. Nonchalantly. Goodbye husband material.

My social self *sighs and facepalms* ‘Really!’ She’s furious. It’s our first date in months. ‘You had to go there. You had one job.’ ‘All you had to do was make him like you.’

© Nomathemba Pearl Dzinotyiwei

Book Review: Nomaswazi by Busisekile Khumalo

Posted on by under Book, Culture

The story begins with a recollection of a wedding. You would think they live the happily ever after. Instead find yourself on a high speed train ride that is the relationship between Nomaswazi and the man that left her at the altar. An innocent girl, she is crushed by the rejection and flees to Johannesburg.

One day she is minding her own business when he saunters casually back into her life and decides that he has no intention of leaving. She loves him, yet she hates him. He loves her, yet he feels undeserving of her after ditching her at the altar and trying to keep a lid on the demons of his past. He pulls out all the stops in his effort to get her back. The story will have you hooked, wondering what other curveballs the writer will throw and she has plenty. Busisekile’s imagination is unparalleled and her research is on point making the story so real.

With recollections of war, weapons smuggling, intrigue, hot erotic encounters as well as a fatal sibling rivalry, this story set mainly in rural eSwatini will keep you up late as you try to find out whether Nomaswazi and her man eventually make it down the aisle and get their happily ever after.

Book Review: The Y in Your Man is Silent Book 1; Book 2 by Yvonne Maphosa

Posted on by under Book, Culture, Relationships

By Nomathemba Pearl Dzinotyiwei

“He’s not your man, he’s OUR man.” That is the essence of the story in these two books. Whether she’s called the mistress, the side-chick or side dish, the other woman has many names in every language. This story is told from her point of view. An innocent, nerdy engineering student named Lastborn Fierce Nkomo from Zimbabwe falls for the charm of a handsome, dashing Ghanaian professor named Elikplim who’s a few years older than her. He’s a caring, sensitive man, a worthy contender in the Boyfriend Olympics, that is until he marries someone else. Despite that, the epic cross country love affair set in Cape Town and Johannesburg continues with Akon’s music as their soundtrack.

Just when you think you know what happens next, the author literally pulls the rug from under the feet of your mind and sends you tumbling as the couple lurch from one disaster to another, major and minor. Unlike most romantic dramas, in fact drama doesn’t even begin to describe it, the author unapologetically refuses to let them to catch a break. Rolling in money from his engineering practice with his best friend and partner in crime at every level called Lumka, Elik is the ultimate blesser. A generous man, not only with his money, he’s also extremely liberal with his umm… candy cane. There was so much cheating going on, even the players were getting played, I felt like I needed therapy after Book 1 and halfway through Book 2. I watched Star Wars then finished the story.

The story gives the other woman’s perspective of the extra-marital affair. Komla, the wife, favoured by the family, is not entirely innocent and makes a few fatal mistakes in her desperate quest to save her marriage. Betrayed repeatedly by Elik, physically and emotionally abused in turn by his wife, her sister and his other relatives; Fierce, named after a freedom fighter and true to her name, fights her wiser, more sensible self, her family, her friends and Elik’s wife and family to hold onto her love for him, repeatedly forgiving him and taking him back. She experiences a dramatic and cruel rejection by her own family, just as she is preparing to make things right by finally becoming an honest woman. The journey to redemption is equally arduous as the couple try to work out why and how their individual messes come together to create the hot mess that is their relationship.

With progressively steamy scenes as the story goes on, with break-up sex, make-up sex, revenge sex, theatrical break-ups and equally sudden make-ups, Fierce and her ‘Ghana Man’ as Fierce’s Aunt calls him, will take you on an emotional rollercoaster ride. The ending is no less dramatic. A third book is definitely in order otherwise the suspense will kill anyone who dares to read both books.

As a self-published work, there is a lot of artistic license, so there is phrasing that would cause the grammar and syntax Nazis to take umbrage. Otherwise it’s a gripping and unforgettable read which needs its own Netflix series. I hope the universe is listening.

No Rules – Available on Amazon

Posted on by under Book, Crushes, Culture, Relationships

This is a cross-cultural love story of two millennials set in Johannesburg, South Africa. It is available on Amazon under Women’s Fiction. To read a sample and purchase, go to https://www.amazon.com/kindle/dp/B071NY9YXC/ref=rdr_kindle_ext_eos_detail

You can check out my other posts on this blog and visit my FaceBook Page at https://www.facebook.com/lamourafricaine/

This is my first self-published novel, under the my nom de plume Pearl Deyi. Deyi is one of the family names of our clan, oManzini aba kwaZungu and also has letters from my surname.

Book Review: The Polygamist by Sue Nyathi

Posted on by under Relationships

By Nomathemba Pearl Dzinotyiwei

Heh leh Jonasi

Heh yeh Jonasi

Loving you has taught me

To never let go of a good thing

Loving you has taught me never to lie

I hate telling a lie…

This is the beginning of Stimela’s hit song I Hate Telling A Lie with Ray Phiri as lead vocalist and on lead guitar. This song played in my head when I started reading The Polygamist, Sue Nyathi’s debut novel, centered around a rich powerful man named Jonasi. However the protagonist is nothing like the serenading lover portrayed in the song. Jonasi in the novel, lies without compunction and never stops, lying even to himself.

The story begins with the account of Jonasi’s funeral with all the women in his life gathered to bid him farewell. Jonasi in death is far from the handsome virile lover, husband and father they experienced in life. Set in Harare, Zimbabwe, the city that never sleeps, there is a grim contrast in the lives of the have-nots living in the township and the fabulously well-heeled living in the Northern suburbs. Then as the economy tanks, even the wealthy feel the pinch as everyone tries to make a living, hustling in whatever way they know how.

The story is told from the point of view of each of the women as they experience the sorrows and fleeting joys of loving a selfish man who never really belongs to any of them. In his own words, he loves each of them for very different reasons. Each of the women’s stories is different. What motivated them to get into this relationship, to stay or in some cases to leave, albeit in different ways?

The children react in different ways as each child’s dream of the perfect family is shattered by the drama in the making, unmaking and remaking of the relationships between their father and each of their mothers. The extended family have their own view of the situation and treat it with delicacy to avoid upsetting Jonasi and losing out on the benefits

The novel is a gripping read. Sue has a wicked sense of humour and the ability to get you to laugh at what are dire situations in the book. There are such gems as ‘ my wife had more game than a soccer team’ and when the youngest of the women describes the older men she slept with saying: ‘ Their asses are so wrinkled sometimes I have to ask myself if it’s flesh I’m holding onto or a mohair throw.’ If you want to see more gems, follow her on @SueNyathi on Twitter.

The Polygamist takes a brutally honest look at marriages and love affairs. It is an unforgettable read that will make you rethink relationships and people’s motivations for entering and staying in them.

Perfect Match

Posted on by under No Rules, Relationships

By Nomathemba Pearl Dzinotyiwei


Smart girls make dumb choices. I’ve made a few of my own. Ladies hear this:

Your perfect match does not:

1. Shine on your shine. We know what that’s about. He has to have the spotlight ALL THE TIME. *eyes rolling*

2. Disrespect his mother, his sister or any female member of his family. He is courteous, even under provocation. He walks away rather than escalate a fight.

3. Talk badly about you behind your back, to ANYONE, especially the OTHER WOMAN. And if you are the other woman, he is not your perfect match either.

4. Disrespect you in front of the family. Especially HIS family. Nor does he embarrass you in front of other people, random strangers in particular.

5. Keep you waiting. You’re dressed up, dolled up, it’s 8pm, he’s a no show and he hasn’t called. NO, that is not the time to cry, change, then lie on the couch with a tub of ice-cream. You grab your purse, take an UBER ride and you hit the club, with or without him. Take a girlfriend if you can’t do it alone. If you meet him there, act like you don’t know him. He has already proven that he is not worthy of you. Keep it moving.

6. Ditch you for his friends, see point 5 above.

7. Push, shove, slap or kick you. In fact that should be point no. 1.

8. Start drooling over other women in your presence. However hot, he’s feeling about that girl in the hotpants, low cut blouse, whatever, he keeps it to himself ALWAYS. In fact if he’s the one, she could be stark naked and he won’t even see it.

9. He’s generous and responsible with his money. He doesn’t “forget” his wallet. He pays his bills on time and doesn’t spend every cent of his money, or yours for that matter.

10. He keeps his word. See point 5 above. Life happens, but he is civil, maintains healthy boundaries with his ex- girlfriend, ex-wife and he takes care of his children. And if he can’t make it, he calls.

Ladies, I pray you attract The One. That you will know that he’s the one and there is no doubt in his mind either, that you’re the one for him.

And gentlemen, if you do not do any of these things, then You’re the Man! I know your soul mate, your perfect match is out there. I pray that she recognises the good man that you are,  when you meet.